the new term for farting is butt boxing.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
