Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
