batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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