I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
