i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
