Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
