There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
