Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
