No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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