do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
