I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
