im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
