if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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