You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
