Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
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