I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
