You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
