tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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