I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
