I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
