hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
