Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
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