Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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