i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm determined to sit on that face.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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