I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
