my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
