and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
