Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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