I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
