Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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