bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
