MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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