and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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