Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
