If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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