guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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