Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Green mimosas i think yes
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
