beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize