i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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