Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize