If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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