So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
