duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
