She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
