dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
