My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
