..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
