I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
