i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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