omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
do herpes really smell.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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